My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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