When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize