sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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