I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
