Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
