So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Actions speak louder than pants.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
