It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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