I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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