Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
