Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
