So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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