wrigley field is MILF paradise
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
