OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
