ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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