You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
She bit a glass in half.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
