Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize