How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I have aggressive nipples.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
