i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
