Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
