where does the pee come out of this thing
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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