You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
