We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
