I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
