Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
