he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I supernannyed him into submission
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
