Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
