i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
