just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
