having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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