After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
