I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
