I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
