At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
