So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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