im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
