I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Still dying that you shit outside
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
