I looked at my own cervix.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
