I think my fart just growled at me.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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