someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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