just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
