Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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