omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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