Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
