I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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