He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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