ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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