Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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