I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
