Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
