After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
are you so shy because you have an std?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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