I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
