I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
birth control should be required to get into college
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
