Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
