I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
