A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
