On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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