guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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