I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
