you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
