Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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