genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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