Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
