Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Randomize
