she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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