Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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