So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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