Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
