Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
