I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
