i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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